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| Cyndi's Decision |
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I walked out of the Student Health Center, my eyes wide open and my mind in a flurry.
I stopped dead in my tracks. I turned slowly to my friend Gail, and I spoke softly without
expression in my voice, "I'm gonna be a mommy." Just minutes before this, I was handed the results of my pregnancy test; and yes, it turned out positive. And then it hit me – hard like a rock – my life is now over! I got into the car, completely in shock, and my mind was buzzing with so many new and terrifying thoughts. "My dad is going to kill me." "What will everyone think of me?" "Will my boyfriend, Brian, leave me?" I sped to Brian's and my apartment. He had been anxiously awaiting the results. I was very scared, shaking and yet too shocked to cry, as I looked to him for comfort. He looked at me and said, "Well, you'll have to get an abortion." My heart sank as he spoke these words... they were the last ones I wanted to hear, and yet the first ones I expected. I told him that I couldn't. We both grew up in church and it was against all that I was taught. A week later, after much worrying, crying, and talking with Brian, I had decided to go through with the abortion because I felt I had to keep him. I picked up the phone and scheduled an appointment. A few days later, I went to a bookstore and came upon a book on pregnancy. I looked long and hard at the picture of the seven-week-old child, just like the one growing inside of me. As I stared at this picture and saw the small head, tiny fingers, legs and eyes, I knew that I could never go through with it. I kept hearing a gentle voice in my head saying, "Just because you made one mistake doesn't mean you have to make two." After I made this decision, I told Brian. So we discussed the only other options – parenting and adoption. Since we hadn't yet graduated from college, and our parents were supporting us monetarily, we felt that parenting was not an option for us. We decided this child deserved the best life we could give it. We felt that placing our child with a couple who could provide better than we could was the best thing we could do. Telling our families was very difficult, and Brian refused to do so. My mother had passed away while I was a senior in high school so it was just my dad, my brother and me. My brother was very supportive and backed me 100 percent. My dad, on the other hand, took the news very hard, and I can honestly say that I have never seen him so angry or disappointed in my whole life. At this point, I felt very alone and scared, and the only ray of hope I had was this tiny, perfect angel growing inside me. I knew that it was my responsibility to love and take care it with my life. After looking through some adoption agency brochures, one in particular, Gentle Care, caught my eye. It mentioned being involved in choosing the parents and also keeping in contact with the family through cards and letters, while the child grew up. I began working with them in my third month of pregnancy. My social worker, Danni, was very supportive, and never pushed me into adoption. She would call to see how I was feeling, physically and mentally, and also how school and my family were. My boyfriend and I gave Danni our medical histories, and she kept in close contact throughout the pregnancy. In my seventh month, we were sent autobiographies to read so we could choose our child's parents. As we read them, we were very critical, and yet when we read one in particular, we agreed that "they were the ones." We called Danni and set up a meeting with the prospective parents – Dianne and John. We all met at a restaurant, and I can honestly say that at first this was the most awkward situation I had ever been in. However, Brian and I fell in love with Dianne and John and talked with them for about three hours that day. The time just seemed to fly by, and yes, we knew that these two loving and caring people would be mommy and daddy to our perfect angel. As the big day approached, Brian got very scared and insecure. He started staying out all night. Finally, he told me that he was dating someone else. I was crushed and felt as if my life was going down the tubes. But this beautiful, tiny, perfect child growing inside me brought my spirits up, kept a smile on my face and warmth in my heart. I moved out of our apartment and went to live with some of my relatives. One July morning, I delivered a perfect 7 pound, 3 ounce baby girl! As I heard her first cries and held her close in my arms, I had only these words to say: "It was all worth it!" The day I had to leave her at the hospital, I felt that I was not ready to go through with the adoption so I decided that I was going to keep her. I simply could not bear to leave this perfect angel behind. I had her home for two weeks and during this time, I did a lot of soul searching. Since I thought she needed both a mother and a father, I talked to Brian. He said he wanted nothing to do with her. I also talked to many other people for suggestions. I took some advice from someone who told me, "Cyndi, sometimes we have to make sacrifices for others that may hurt us. Sometimes we have to put others first. That is what motherhood is all about. Motherhood is otherhood." And after these two weeks, I knew what I had to do for my perfect angel and not myself. I then called Danni and told her that I had decided to go through with the adoption. And so on that day, I dressed my angel up in her prettiest outfit, I packed up her clothes and toys and met with John and Dianne. As I picked up this perfect angel and handed her to her parents, my eyes welled up with tears. They gently took her in their arms, and their faces beamed with pride and joy. My father, with tears in his eyes, looked at Dianne and spoke only these words: "Don't ever forget my daughter." I knew at that moment that I had never in my days been so happy and sad at the same time. And time has passed, and I receive and send them pictures and letters, and I see how happy this beautiful, perfect angel is. And somehow, just somehow, I know that my life certainly has not ended, for all our lives have only just begun!! |
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